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Self-hate? Self-goals? Change. Fear. No/Yes. YES.

For me, someone who is social, an extrovert,  this change I encountered, was dramatic, extreme and not to forget panicking.  In the last two-three years, I have transformed to an unimaginable extent.  When I say unimaginable,  I particularly remember the imagination or definition of 'life', I had 3 years ago. And today, as I write this blog,  I know that the definition of life has changed.  It is nowhere close to the one I had before. I used this analysis of myself as a parameter of growth. I grew. Older, wiser and healthier. What changed? Many things.  My previous writings talked about a few. Today, I write about another one. The ability to be alone. For many people, this is not as challenging.  However, this for me was an impossible place to be. I have had problems being alone with myself since puberty.  As I was growing, I wanted to know more people, have myself surrounded by family and friends all the time.  I don't remember a day I was alone by myself.  My encounter of being alone in a room by myself, after I moved here, made me think of ways to pass time.  It was a terrible feeling.  Thinking of ways to kill time with myself -('because I am bored by myself') Watching Netflix for hours just to not feel lonely. Calling home, talking for hours, calling friends, depending on them for my happiness. Expecting constant attention from them. It was a terrible feeling. I knew this was self-hate. A few days ago, I had a revelation. And I wanted to get rid this fear of being alone. I did not like the dependency, I wanted to own my happiness. So I decided. I shall sit alone for 30 minutes every day, doing nothing.  Let's see what happens. I decided to face my fears. Headon. And I did it.  Every day for 30 minutes.  There was a lot I thought in those 30 minutes. It seemed a lot at first, but I made myself comfortable slowly by the end. Many ideas, managed to float in my mind. I gave attention to every detail of it. My breath, the things I felt like doing in those 30 minutes, how I felt. Feelings I encountered in these 30 minutes- 1) A feeling of discomfort. 2) My thoughts literally jumping from one topic to other (Distracted concentration) 3) I held my breath a lot rather than regular inhaling and exhaling. (Anxious) 4) Came up with activities like crayon drawing, self-dialogue. 5) I sang all the time and danced whenever I felt like. 6) Focused on my list of happiness. (Written another blog post on this before) To my surprise, I felt incredibly free. And open to infinite possibilities. Discovering a whole different side. It was reassuring and securing. I realized all this time I depended on the external world for my happiness and felt terrible when I already had such a treasure of good things, WITHIN ME.  I shall not anymore. I will keep doing this until I reach my self-goals. As long as it needs. Being by myself is the best thing that happened to me. I proudly and openly say, I am not afraid of being alone anymore. I faced my fear. And saying this itself feels powerful! If you have ever felt like this, come and talk to me.  I will share my experience in detail.  P.s: Thank you so much for all the love on my previous episodes. This journey is going to be a long one and I hope we share it together every time. Stay tuned for the next episode. Keep showering your love and take care of your health. Physical as well as mental. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. You can also connect to me  via email- or via Instagram account name -@callmeaishwarya - Until then,  Keep smiling!

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